Guess what? Things got into a mess. I've already got my results. Turns out my results were nothing but disaster. Well, at least to me. I'm grateful though, I still got my 2A's and 5 credits including my 2A's. That should be enough to get me to apply a good college or so I thought. Still, I'm disappointed. I don't expect my results to be like that. Eventhough my family said that it was good enough already, but I don't want it to be just 'good enough', i want it to be 'great'. I'm envy of my friends who got a much better and amazing result rather than I do. Their results were such flying colours. Mine was an embarrassment. I want people to be proud and see that I'm capable of doing something great. But instead, I made people look down to me even more. Since that, I felt nothing but a failure. A total loser.
My self-confidence and my self-esteem are getting lower than usual. I'm feeling more insecure than before. I just can't help feeling bad about myself. It's not that I'm not thankful. It's just that I can't see any special inside of me any more. I am a disappointment. I disappoint everybody else. I'm making myself more depressed.
I'm unhappy. Really really unhappy. I'm stuck, it's like I've been caged in a prison for a thousand years. How am I gonna be independent or even learn how to be if I've been caged like a miserable prisoner? This issues has been brought up many times already. Sometimes, freedom is the only way out. I hate living by people's order. Is it wrong? Am I making a mistakes by pursuing my dreams? To follow my passion? What about MY DREAM? Not SOMEBODY ELSE'S DREAM?! Do I live to follow people's dream? All they ever think was money, money, money. Nothing but bloody hell money. Am I some kind of robot or a statue? Do my opinions even count? Do they? Tell me DO THEY?!
I just can't wait to get out of here. Seems that everyone want to get in my way now. Support? Forget about that. I never get any of that. Not a damn single one! I couldn't hold any much longer. I feel such hopeless. I know crying won't solve anything but I don't know what I'm gonna do to ease things up. Do you know how much pain I have to bear, how much suffer? If only this all could end sooner.....
I really hate that when I'm angry or really mad, my tears would came out.
And I tried to suck it in, it became worst. More tears came out. My eyes would be really red and swollen. Seriously, I'm getting tired and sick of this situation 'cause it keeps happening over and over again. For a second, I rather live in other people's life than live in my own world. My world is insane, so crazy. Sometimes, I just couldn't deal or face with it. Some world, huh?
One thing that I really wish for is to run away. Run away to a place where I could find my own existence and where I could run away from all this madness. People said that if you run away from your problems, it would only get worst. But what choice do I have? I wonder if I even have my own choice. Run far, far away from here. If this is what you call a 'HOME', then I don't know what's a real home. Because for now, I can't even tell what home is this. Ugh I feel like I want scream out loud. Scream the top of my lungs, till I have no voice left to be sound. Other people may say that maybe I'm overreacting because it is just a small matter. Well, small matter my ass. You don't know how chaos my life is now. So I ain't gonna let you simply say that this is a small matter. ' Cause it's damn not!
Somehow, I just feel everything are tearing apart. Much sooner than I think. I couldn't stand how the consequences are gonna be. It's slowly killing and eating me alive. I don't know who I can turn to, who I can rely to anymore. I just need someone to listen, without trying to judge. I don't want people to just hear but not listen. That's the difference between hearing and listening. Even though I have some close friends to pour my heart out, but the second I thought that people would be annoyed or get irritated or even something that was related to that, so I ended up saying that I'm fine.
Do you know how hard it is to say 'I'm Fine'? When deep inside of you, you're breaking apart? Tell you what, when you feel that your chest is in pain when you're saying such word, then it really does hurt. Hurt to the bottom. To hold everything inside is............ Well, be my guest to fill in those blanks 'cause I don't even know how to fully describe it. Actually, it's not like I don't trust people or or something, I'm just afraid that people would never look at me the same once they knew it. Somehow, I think I have trust issues. Even I, myself couldn't believe in me. I don't know what else I'm capable of. That's what happens when people look down to you so much. Sure do sucks a lot like hell. There's some examples for such circumstances,lack of confidence or self-esteem, insecurities and one of them is WORTHLESS. It's just the same as self-destructive. I do know it's not good to keep pushing people away but I couldn't help myself. I prefer being alone rather than telling people this and that, like they don't have much more problems or whatsoever.
To them, I'm still a small kid who doesn't know anything. Well, stop treating me like a kid! 'Cause I'm not and I ain't gonna like that, in fact I freakin' hate it. I'm not someone who you could shout or yell harsh and mean words at like a total freak. It's not even called some talking back when I'm doing my best effort to explain things. Do I even have my own right to speak? Damn, that's so asdfghjkl! Call me immature? Who's the f***ktard immature now? How am I gonna respect someone when my own opinion or words doesn't get any respect for it?
*sigh* There's nothing benefit about this. I just, you know, don't feel like living in one roof with a chaotic, monstrous, disastrous situation. How am I suppose to learn to be independent when I'm caged like a prisoner? I swear that all of this will explode one fine day if it reaches to its biggest and widest limit of all. Everyone have their own limitation. So does MINE.
Enough all of this crap I'm saying. I really want to freakin' run away, just for a few days at least. Weeks,maybe? Depends. I mean to a better place, of course. Some place where I could rest my mind with a breathtaking view and to gain some spiritual awareness. If your heart is always searching, can you ever find a home? See, that phrase? Yeah, I'm still searching but I'm not quite sure what I'm searching for. I would like to find out, I guess. In the end of the path, maybe there's really somewhere that is for me. Reality is truly a killer, I can guarantee that for sure. Dreams? I would love to have those, but what dreams could I have? Sometimes, it was all over the place. Maybe this is just a minor obstacles, maybe a bigger one is on its way. Maybe, maybe, maybe. It's always a maybe. Will anything even be possible?
No words could describe how sorry I was. And I still am. I'm trying to rearrange all the words in my mind to let it out and express everything that I held inside. But I keep backspace it over and over again. Just like I did just now.
First of all, I'm sorry if I keep making a mess every time. You always treated me so well. No one has ever treated me that way. I mean, the way you care about me, it's just really different. All those text messages are truly one of a kind. I'm sorry that sometimes I would ignore you especially when I'm having one of those mood-swings of mine. Honestly, I don't actually mean to do that. It's just that I kinda prefer being alone with myself when I'm being moody. I'm sorry if I being so rude to you the other day, saying harsh and loud words to you. I admit that I can be a jerk sometime. I don't even know what happens to me lately. Thinking too much, I guess. You always there for me even if you have your own things to do. You gave me support that I need. When I get sick, you're so worry until you get sad. And you gave me all the attention that every girl needed, even if I don't ask for it. You will know for sure how was my mood from the sound of my voice even though I tried so hard to cover it up.
You accept the flaws that I have in me. No matter how I tell you that I'm not one of those pretty,drop-dead gorgeous, perfect kind of girl, you don't even care because you know how beautiful I am deep inside of me. That was the most lovely things that I've ever heard. You don't mind how crazy my attitude can be and you still can make silly jokes about that. It made me laugh. You make me feel good about myself. Sometimes I wonder if I even deserved being treated this way. It's just too good too be true. And plus, you're being such patient to wait for me all the time, even when I said don't.
The fact is everything about you is wonderful. I just really think so and I know you will deny that but that's the truth. Don't blame me. :) I'm so sorry if I've hurt your feelings many times without me realizing about it. All you ever answer me was that you're okay and I shouldn't even apologizing for that. When I know that deep inside that heart of yours, you're hurting so bad but you pretend like it didn't hurt at all. Hurting you is the least thing I wanna do. Actually, I don't want that at all. But people make mistakes and it seems like we keep doing it over and over again. And I will never stop apologizing.
You understand me most of the time even though I don't really understand myself sometimes. I really appreciate that.
Forgiveness is more than saying sorry. And I just hope you could forgive for everything that I had done wrong. I'm out of words right now.
Thank you and thank you so much. You're my buddy! And I adore you very much.
See the photo above? Yeah, that's how I feel sometimes. I've been dealing with it since I don't even know when. It would suddenly came out of nowhere and without me realizing it. Sure do gives me a lot of hard times. Immediately, my mood-swing would suddenly appear and take over me. I hate that. I just hate it how it's easily take control of me. No matter how people comfort me or giving me advice and support, somehow I still couldn't accept the fact. It hurts me so deep and I thought crying would solve the problem but it got even worst. I keep blaming myself for nothing. I don't why I even do that. It's frustating. Mood-swing can also means that I'm unpredictable. Because sometimes I would get sad or mad over something and then after a few minutes I would be smiling and be cheerful again. Crazy, huh? I know but I'm used to it. That helps me to balance my mood. Sort of, I guess. Maybe to other people, it's kinda hard to deal with as they don't know what comes next.
I am insecure mess. Indeed I am. There's no doubt about. I'm sure some of us are having the same feeling and situation too. That moment when you're having an emosional breakdown and all you want is to run away as far as you could so that you won't deal with it anymore. Your mind keep thinking about negative things about you. You can't seem to calm down. You just want to scream as loudly as you can but in the end you don't because you know nobody would even pay attention to you nor care to even listen to you. So you just shut down and pretend nothing happens at all. But inside of you, you felt like a sharp knife cut through every pieces of you. You keep asking to yourself why and why. It's always a why. You want to know the reason so bad, you might even begging for it. You just can't hold it anymore. You cried so hard, your eyes swollen. Sounds familliar, right? Before this, I've been through so much worse. Imagine all the emptiness I've felt everyday, all that sorrows, the loneliness. A big, black hole deep inside. Waiting for a light to shine in. I keep praying to have such enormous strength to fight back, but I'm just not that strong enough. I know this may sounds childish, immatured, attention-seeker or whatever the hell you are all thinking about. But do I look like I even care? If you don't know what I've been through, then just shut up. I just want to share something that other people that can relate to.
I know I shouldn't say this. It's not like I'm not grateful about who I am today. In fact, I'm so grateful. God creates me with my own unique-ness. I'm different. Different in a good way. I know i'm imperfect. When I look at myself on the mirror, I see someone that everyone cannot see. The real me, who I really am. I'm more than meets the eye. I see the ugly side of me. And no matter what I do, I'm just not that good enough for anyone or anybody else. You see, this life has many obstacles inside of it. All of challenges will keep dragging us down. I know I should force myself to struggle some more but I just couldn't when insecurities overtake me. It's scary when in front you is such a blurry. Don't you afraid of that? Not knowing of how to be good enough. Even for just once.
That sucks, eh? When you feel like everyone is looking down to you. Whatever you do, nothing ever seems right. You've already put your best effort to do things right, but people only thought that you done nothing but a mess. How horrible was that? Maybe patience is the key.
They said, being yourself is the best way you can be. But somehow when I saw someone else achieved the success that they wanted, I just couldn't help myself to feel envy and dreaming of having those success too. Then turning into a person that I don't recognize anymore. Well, people changed. It wasn't that long and I became myself again. Such a relieve. I'm really glad though.
Yeah, I sure do hope so. Really wish that I could found it.
And maybe that's the only choice to overcome all the complicated situations or challenges.
This sure helps me a lot. I used to think nobody would listen but now that I understand that I'm not the only one who's dealing with this. I began to look on the bright side. Just keep going on and pushing on no matter how difficult it can be. I've got some of my close friends to give me the support, motivation and advice that I needed the most. Thanks to them, I've been so much better because I used to be a wreck. Maybe not on the outside but on the inside. It's like all over the place and I know I just couldn't handle it all by myself.
Meaningful phrase, isn't it? I believe none of us is perfect. Which why our flaws and imperfections make each of every one of us beautiful in our own way. Don't ever make any sudden judgement because words do hurt. You don't know how words can abuse people mentally and emotionally. We're all amazing just the way we are. We just have to find a huge confident to admit such fact. Included me, of course.
Fear can be everyone's enemy. But fear is why we decide to have a big determination to achieve our own dreams. Fear can be describe in many ways but if we're willing to take a big step to past through the fear then fear will not be a problem anymore. Some risk is worth to take.
At the end of the day, I really wish I have the guts to say those words to myself.
So that my insecurities would never tear me apart again like it used to.
Who knows? I might be good enough anyway. Ain't that right? :)
Hey hey hey! I'm here. Lol lyssa, stop being nonsense. You don't have to be so hyper, your blog only have 3 posts including this one. Like seriously, duhh. -.- Okayy, nuff said. Ignore that. Just take that as a lame joke. If it counts as a joke at all. Let's talk about today's topic. Today is 13th February, that means tomorrow is V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E'-s-D-A-Y. So it also means Tuesday, 14th February. Aren't you excited? Well, maybe most of you would. Wanna know why? Because each of you get to spend, oh I don't know, quality time with your loved ones, I guess? But seriously, what does it means by loved ones? I know this word will came across or appears in your mind in just a second when you saw the word loved ones. LOVERS, isn't it? I knew it! Well, you both get to spend a one whole romantic day together and being so lovey-dovey. Wonderful feelings.
Do you know what I think? My opinion? Everybody have their own opinion, right right right? It's a free country anyway. Oh you know the democracy thingy? So I guess I have the right to speak too and give my own opinion. But hey, I'm not going to say any bad things about the V-day. Here goes. To me, loved ones mean everybody that you love, not only your couple but your family, friends, cousins, pets ( i mean pets are your loved ones too, right? that's the point of having a pet, to have them accompany you.) , things maybe? and others. You can spend the day like having a dinner with your family, hanging out with your friends, or maybe celebrate it by on your own. Many of you would think such as "oh, I don't have a date to spend this special day", "I felt so alone", "I hate this day", "why would anybody talk about this day anyway". Like I said, different people different opinions. Don't be so offense. Be open-minded. I don't want anybody else to misunderstand of what I'm saying. You don't have to be in such bad mood. I mean so what if you're alone? You've got your ownself to celebrate with, buying yourself a chocolate. You deserves it. Maybe to some other people that this is kinda ridiculous. But there's no wrong. Eventually someday you get to spend the day with your someone special. Just wait. It's worth it, trust me.
Everyday is Valentine's day, to be exact. You just have to think in a positive way. Don't be so judgemental or making a fuss about it. Everyone deserves to be treated specially. I heard that some people couldn't celebrate the V-day. Then, respect their decisions. But some issues should only be said just once. Because every people already knew about it, then that's it. Everyone would understand anyway. It's up to them to analyze things and looking it from the good side or bad side. That's their choice now, they have to pay for their own consequences. Oops, I think I already ran from the topic for today. You see, the real meaning of Valentine's day is to make someone feel extraordinary than usual, extra special about how you love, care, adore people more than any other ordinary days. I just don't know why some people would think otherwise? You don't actually have to imitate or follow how some of the West people celebrate their V-day. I mean why? Why oh why? Improvise and making tomorrow as your own special day with whom you want. Candle-light dinners, tons of roses, romantic greeting cards, all the lovely chocolates, don't even forget the teddy bears. Or any other way, I don't know. What? You think you gonna do any negative things? Ugh I don't even want to think about that, especially on V-day. For goodness sake, grow up, will ya? Have a rational mind.
Some of you may be pissed off, offended, get angry and bla bla bla by what I'm posting now. Maybe? I don't know and I don't really care. It's my blog, I will post anything that's on my mind. Let's not get into an argument. What for? It's Valentine's day tmorrow. So give each other some love, would you? Oh c'mon, don't be shy. Haha sismance or bromance, right? Trololol. :D
I'm here wishing you all Happy Valentine's day! Have a lovely and wonderful day, peeps! I'm gonna spend my Valentine's day with myself. I'm not saying that I'm alone. I got my Cadbury chocolate (my favourite) to enjoy with. Let the cupid strike their arrow to connect people with nothing but love. Yay! Will be posting some more soon. Stay tuned. :)
So,
Will You Be My Valentine? <3
A nice and lovely songs, Rainbow by Colbie Caillat to listen to. :)
See this little girl right here? With her smile so big? She's such innocent, naive and young. Call it what you want. You named it. Very fragile. Exposed to scary world. But she doesn't know a slightest idea or realize about that. All she knows that she have a happy family and memorable childhood. She grew up with much love from her siblings and with mum and dad. She's the youngest of all. Her dad doesn't stay at home very much often because he had to go to work, so her mum was always the only person she would seeking for attention. As for her siblings, they were all already teenagers and seldomly being with her. Little did they know, as little as she is, she understands their situation. So she saw how things going in the house, learned how to walk and talk, playing around etc.
She has a strict family, so does her dad. She wasn't allowed to play with the kids in the neighbourhood. Sometimes if she was caught by her dad, she was scolded and was canned. She would cried but just for a while, eventually she stopped. Silly, isn't it? She still loves her dad very much eventhough her dad rarely gave her some attention. As she grew up, somehow she became more naughty, as you can say. Always running around playing. Her mum always care about her.
Her siblings? Well, they kinda like to bully her but in a fun way. Like pushing her down the stairs, calling her names, teasing her until she cried. And then her siblings was scolded by mum. Haha serves them very well. Moving on, there were so much incidents happen, so much memories. Daddy always like to bring all the siblings to go for a walk, go on a trip and somewhere else. She remembered she used to follow her dad and her brother fishing, well she just watched them fishing actually. As with her mum, she always followed her to the grocery to buy stuff or to the mall. She would hold her mum's hand whenever they crossed the road.
A little girl with magical imagination, beautiful dreams, highest hope and expectations.
What else could she wish for? :)
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My beloved mummy, always be my everything. Mum was the loyal housewife. She takes care all of us including our meals, drinks, health, education and others. She's an amazing mum. She never complaint nor sigh a little bit no matter how tired or exhausted she was to do the house chores and to arrange anything for the her children or husband's need. Mum's cook always the best. She teaches us how to be independent and to be able to take care of ourself when we grew older. She has a soft feelings and tender heart. Even though I may sometimes treated her bad but in my heart I never meant any of that and i was sorry deeply. She's the one that helped us went through everything after daddy left. She showed us she was tough when everyone knew deep in her heart she was terribly sad when daddy left us. Now, she is the head of the family now. Fulfill her responsibility responsibly. Despite all the hardships we went through, still, she managed to hold it all back together. She's my superwoman. I love you beloved mummy. Always have and always will.
My dearest daddy, always will be my number one. Eventhough he left us for almost 8 years now but his presence always remains in each of our every heart. I still remember how he smiled, he laughed, he talked, he scolded etc. I may be still a kid at that time but each of every detail of him never disappear from my mind. Daddy was the head of the family, guiding us along the way. I'm blessed to have such father as he is. Words couldn't explain how much I adore him very much. Maybe a song will. I always listen to Dance With My Father by Luther Vandross as a rememberance of him. Never dreamed of he would be gone from me. If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him, I played a song that would never ever end, how I love love love to dance with my father again. Anyone can be a father, but it takes somene special to be a DAD. I love you dearest daddy. No matter what i'm still your little princess. Always have and always will. Forever in our heart.
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Well, guess what? Eventually that little girl grew up becaming someone like in the photo. She's been living a bittersweet of life. Looking on those days, the past, the mistakes, the lessons she learned, she's beginning to know what life is about or so she thought. Her emotions can be just like a roller coaster. She have one of those mood-swing that people couldn't realize. Unpredictable, they've said. She still believe in dreams and hopes. Insecure is her main weakness. But she know where and how her strength really is, to face such terrifying reality and the obstacles along her way, the challenges she had to went through. All it takes is to have very big determination, patience and a loyal faith in God. She doesn't want to expect too much anymore because she knew how painful the result could be. She promises to reach her goal as long as she is willing to not give up that easily and stand up strong again. She wants to make people be proud of her including her family and friends because she hates how people look down to her. She may not be that perfect but at least she knows what she's capable of. Don't underestimate what a person could do, even if the person looks ordinary. Music is her biggest influence because music can express so much feelings that people cannot show. She loves to capture a moment with a photo because moments doesn't last long, memories do. Life is a fairytale anyway as what the notes she had written. Living by quotes is amazingly wonderful.
Heyy there peeps! Lyssa here. I'm actually a new blogger. Very new indeed. Freshies, you can call. Wanna know why I start to blog? It's because I was inspired by all the blogs that I have viewed. So why not,right? Besides, many people had told me to make a blog of my own. Since I've been posting some of my quotes on my Facebook page, plus some of my notes too, which is originally by me. Non-copy, of course. Well, thank you to them, I've finally decided to make a blog. Yay for me! Duhh -.- Ignore that. And I can even spend all my quality time with blogging rather than doing nothing besides 'facebooking'. Ugh sometimes I would get really bored doing that. Enough with this nonsense. Wanna get to know me and my blog more? Do follow me, just simple as that. You can ask me anything that you want, as long as it's not something that offense me. Just you know, i don't really like rude people. Well, nobody does, do they? Did I mentioned that I'm very new here? So yeah if y'all are willing to help or teach me with this blogger thingy, i'll be so glad and thankful. That's all for now. I'll be back soon. Stay tuned. :D
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My self-confidence and my self-esteem are getting lower than usual. I'm feeling more insecure than before. I just can't help feeling bad about myself. It's not that I'm not thankful. It's just that I can't see any special inside of me any more. I am a disappointment. I disappoint everybody else. I'm making myself more depressed.
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