Silly Things Called Insecurities.



See the photo above? Yeah, that's how I feel sometimes. I've been dealing with it since I don't even know when. It would suddenly came out of nowhere and without me realizing it. Sure do gives me a lot of hard times. Immediately, my mood-swing would suddenly appear and take over me. I hate that. I just hate it how it's easily take control of me. No matter how people comfort me or giving me advice and support, somehow I still couldn't accept the fact. It hurts me so deep and I thought crying would solve the problem but it got even worst. I keep blaming myself for nothing. I don't why I even do that. It's frustating. Mood-swing can also means that I'm unpredictable. Because sometimes I would get sad or mad over something and then after a few minutes I would be smiling and be cheerful again. Crazy, huh? I know but I'm used to it. That helps me to balance my mood. Sort of, I guess. Maybe to other people, it's kinda hard to deal with as they don't know what comes next.

I am insecure mess. Indeed I am. There's no doubt about. I'm sure some of us are having the same feeling and situation too. That moment when you're having an emosional breakdown and all you want is to run away as far as you could so that you won't deal with it anymore. Your mind keep thinking about negative things about you. You can't seem to calm down. You just want to scream as loudly as you can but in the end you don't because you know nobody would even pay attention to you nor care to even listen to you. So you just shut down and pretend nothing happens at all. But inside of you, you felt like a sharp knife cut through every pieces of you. You keep asking to yourself why and why. It's always a why. You want to know the reason so bad, you might even begging for it. You just can't hold it anymore. You cried so hard, your eyes swollen. Sounds familliar, right? Before this, I've been through so much worse. Imagine all the emptiness I've felt everyday, all that sorrows, the loneliness. A big, black hole deep inside. Waiting for a light to shine in. I keep praying to have such enormous strength to fight back, but I'm just not that strong enough. I know this may sounds childish, immatured, attention-seeker or whatever the hell you are all thinking about. But do I look like I even care? If you don't know what I've been through, then just shut up. I just want to share something that other people that can relate to.

I know I shouldn't say this. It's not like I'm not grateful about who I am today. In fact, I'm so grateful. God creates me with my own unique-ness. I'm different. Different in a good way. I know i'm imperfect. When I look at myself on the mirror, I see someone that everyone cannot see. The real me, who I really am. I'm more than meets the eye. I see the ugly side of me. And no matter what I do, I'm just not that good enough for anyone or anybody else. You see, this life has many obstacles inside of it. All of challenges will keep dragging us down. I know I should force myself to struggle some more but I just couldn't when insecurities overtake me. It's scary when in front you is such a blurry. Don't you afraid of that? Not knowing of how to be good enough. Even for just once.

That sucks, eh? When you feel like everyone is looking down to you. Whatever you do, nothing ever seems right. You've already put your best effort to do things right, but people only thought that you done nothing but a mess. How horrible was that? Maybe patience is the key.

They said, being yourself is the best way you can be. But somehow when I saw someone else achieved the success that they wanted, I just couldn't help myself to feel envy and dreaming of having those success too. Then turning into a person that I don't recognize anymore. Well, people changed. It wasn't that long and I became myself again. Such a relieve. I'm really glad though.

Yeah, I sure do hope so. Really wish that I could found it.

And maybe that's the only choice to overcome all the complicated situations or challenges.

This sure helps me a lot. I used to think nobody would listen but now that I understand that I'm not the only one who's dealing with this. I began to look on the bright side. Just keep going on and pushing on no matter how difficult it can be. I've got some of my close friends to give me the support, motivation and advice that I needed the most. Thanks to them, I've been so much better because I used to be a wreck. Maybe not on the outside but on the inside. It's like all over the place and I know I just couldn't handle it all by myself.

Meaningful phrase, isn't it? I believe none of us is perfect. Which why our flaws and imperfections make each of every one of us beautiful in our own way. Don't ever make any sudden judgement because words do hurt. You don't know how words can abuse people mentally and emotionally. We're all amazing just the way we are. We just have to find a huge confident to admit such fact. Included me, of course.

Fear can be everyone's enemy. But fear is why we decide to have a big determination to achieve our own dreams. Fear can be describe in many ways but if we're willing to take a big step to past through the fear then fear will not be a problem anymore. Some risk is worth to take.

At the end of the day, I really wish I have the guts to say those words to myself.

So that my insecurities would never tear me apart again like it used to.

Who knows? I might be good enough anyway. Ain't that right? :)





Miley Cyrus - The Climb

Sincerely,

Lyssa Andrew