Unhappy.

Guess what? Things got into a mess. I've already got my results. Turns out my results were nothing but disaster. Well, at least to me. I'm grateful though, I still got my 2A's and 5 credits including my 2A's. That should be enough to get me to apply a good college or so I thought. Still, I'm disappointed. I don't expect my results to be like that. Eventhough my family said that it was good enough already, but I don't want it to be just 'good enough', i want it to be 'great'. I'm envy of my friends who got a much better and amazing result rather than I do. Their results were such flying colours. Mine was an embarrassment. I want people to be proud and see that I'm capable of doing something great. But instead, I made people look down to me even more. Since that, I felt nothing but a failure. A total loser.

My self-confidence and my self-esteem are getting lower than usual. I'm feeling more insecure than before. I just can't help feeling bad about myself. It's not that I'm not thankful. It's just that I can't see any special inside of me any more. I am a disappointment. I disappoint everybody else. I'm making myself more depressed.

I'm unhappy. Really really unhappy. I'm stuck, it's like I've been caged in a prison for a thousand years. How am I gonna be independent or even learn how to be if I've been caged like a miserable prisoner? This issues has been brought up many times already. Sometimes, freedom is the only way out. I hate living by people's order. Is it wrong? Am I making a mistakes by pursuing my dreams? To follow my passion? What about MY DREAM? Not SOMEBODY ELSE'S DREAM?! Do I live to follow people's dream? All they ever think was money, money, money. Nothing but bloody hell money. Am I some kind of robot or a statue? Do my opinions even count? Do they? Tell me DO THEY?!

I just can't wait to get out of here. Seems that everyone want to get in my way now. Support? Forget about that. I never get any of that. Not a damn single one! I couldn't hold any much longer. I feel such hopeless. I know crying won't solve anything but I don't know what I'm gonna do to ease things up. Do you know how much pain I have to bear, how much suffer? If only this all could end sooner.....

She cried but no one listened.

The pain inside is slowly killing her.

Be quick.

She might end up going insane.

Because her life is just too much.

Written By,

Lyssa Andrew

Worthless.

I really hate that when I'm angry or really mad, my tears would came out.

And I tried to suck it in, it became worst. More tears came out. My eyes would be really red and swollen. Seriously, I'm getting tired and sick of this situation 'cause it keeps happening over and over again. For a second, I rather live in other people's life than live in my own world. My world is insane, so crazy. Sometimes, I just couldn't deal or face with it. Some world, huh?

One thing that I really wish for is to run away. Run away to a place where I could find my own existence and where I could run away from all this madness. People said that if you run away from your problems, it would only get worst. But what choice do I have? I wonder if I even have my own choice. Run far, far away from here. If this is what you call a 'HOME', then I don't know what's a real home. Because for now, I can't even tell what home is this. Ugh I feel like I want scream out loud. Scream the top of my lungs, till I have no voice left to be sound. Other people may say that maybe I'm overreacting because it is just a small matter. Well, small matter my ass. You don't know how chaos my life is now.  So I ain't gonna let you simply say that this is a small matter. ' Cause it's damn not!

Somehow, I just feel everything are tearing apart. Much sooner than I think. I couldn't stand how the consequences are gonna be. It's slowly killing and eating me alive. I don't know who I can turn to, who I can rely to anymore. I just need someone to listen, without trying to judge. I don't want people to just hear but not listen. That's the difference between hearing and listening. Even though I have some close friends to pour my heart out, but the second I thought that people would be annoyed or get irritated or even something that was related to that, so I ended up saying that I'm fine.

Do you know how hard it is to say 'I'm Fine'? When deep inside of you, you're breaking apart? Tell you what, when you feel that your chest is in pain when you're saying such word, then it really does hurt. Hurt to the bottom. To hold everything inside is............ Well, be my guest to fill in those blanks 'cause I don't even know how to fully describe it. Actually, it's not like I don't trust people or or something, I'm just afraid that people would never look at me the same once they knew it. Somehow, I think I have trust issues. Even I, myself couldn't believe in me. I don't know what else I'm capable of. That's what happens when people look down to you so much. Sure do sucks a lot like hell. There's some examples for such circumstances,lack of confidence or self-esteem, insecurities and one of them is WORTHLESS. It's just the same as self-destructive. I do know it's not good to keep pushing people away but I couldn't help myself. I prefer being alone rather than telling people this and that, like they don't have much more problems or whatsoever.

To them, I'm still a small kid who doesn't know anything. Well, stop treating me like a kid! 'Cause I'm not and I ain't gonna like that, in fact I freakin' hate it. I'm not someone who you could shout or yell harsh and mean words at like a total freak. It's not even called some talking back when I'm doing my best effort to explain things. Do I even have my own right to speak? Damn, that's so asdfghjkl! Call me immature? Who's the f***ktard immature now? How am I gonna respect someone when my own opinion or words doesn't get any respect for it?

*sigh* There's nothing benefit about this. I just, you know, don't feel like living in one roof with a chaotic, monstrous, disastrous situation. How am I suppose to learn to be independent when I'm caged like a prisoner? I swear that all of this will explode one fine day if it reaches to its biggest and widest limit of all. Everyone have their own limitation. So does MINE.

Enough all of this crap I'm saying. I really want to freakin' run away, just for a few days at  least. Weeks,maybe? Depends. I mean to a better place, of course. Some place where I could rest my mind with a breathtaking view and to gain some spiritual awareness. If your heart is always searching, can you ever find a home? See, that phrase? Yeah, I'm still searching but I'm not quite sure what I'm searching for. I would like to find out, I guess. In the end of the path, maybe there's really somewhere that is for me. Reality is truly a killer, I can guarantee that for sure. Dreams? I would love to have those, but what dreams could I have? Sometimes, it was all over the place. Maybe this is just a minor obstacles, maybe a bigger one is on its way. Maybe, maybe, maybe. It's always a maybe. Will anything even be possible?

Questions. Never ending questions.

Answers. Where do they hide?

Reasons. Why would they even exist?

Words. One by one staring at you.

It can be such a hurtful thing.

What is meant by IT?

IT is WORDS.

Because WORDS do HURTS.

Sincerely, 

Lyssa Andrew.